Learning About Emotional Intelligence

Written by: Lorraine Twombly

Published:

A while ago, one of my friends said to me, “You should write an article about your ideas on Emotional Intelligence. You are very passionate about our conversations regarding vulnerability, empathy, mindfulness, and resiliency. It’s a challenging subject and I for one would like to have your ideas in writing.” My friend’s suggestion to write about Emotional Intelligence stuck with me and after so many years of coaching folks through their emotions in the workplace, I’m finally writing about this very important topic.

My journey has been about self-help most of my life. Every book I can get my hands on was read or listened to and I love it when my favorite authors continue to write and add their insightful knowledge. Here’s how I’d like to start…

Once upon a time there was a young girl who started first grade at a Catholic School in New Jersey. She didn’t know much English because her mom came from Quebec and knew mostly French when she was born. Consequently, she was shamed and mistreated simply because she didn’t know English as well as the other first graders. That young girl was me and I remember it like it was yesterday.

Feeling shame at such a young age can be damaging to one’s emotions growing up. Luckily, I had some wonderful role models to help me grow into a positive and loving person. And that includes my father, who loved life, was very resilient, and knew how to make me and my brothers and sister feel loved and cherished. As I grew older and wiser, I knew deep in my mind that learning everything I could about Emotional Intelligence was the one thing that would help me succeed in life. The journey is constant and will never end.

In the last 15 or so years, I’ve noticed a huge uptick of fearmongering, bullying, bad mouthing, criticizing, complaining, condemning, and purposeful conflicts among our adults (and especially children). Children are quick and impressionable learners. If we as adults show negative ways in handling emotions, so will our children.

Here’s what I’ve been wondering these many years:

Wouldn’t it be great if teachers taught children from Kindergarten to twelfth grades how to understand emotions and how to cope with them? EQ could be part of the teacher’s curriculum before they acquire their teaching certificate.
Wouldn’t it be great if, while children were learning about emotions from their teachers, they were able to cope with vulnerability and negative issues with their family and friends?
Wouldn’t it be great if children became role models of mindfulness, resilience, empathy, acceptance, and tolerance? What a world this would be!
Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t take things personally and understood that not everything is about us as individuals? There are almost always other factors involved.
Wouldn’t it be great if we learned how to eliminate unnecessary fear? It’s become a way for some folks to get what they want. It seems like more people have anxiety that ever before and fearmongering is most likely the reason!
Wouldn’t it be great if EQ were as important as IQ? Again, what a world this would be!

Let’s:

Ask open-ended and non-judgmental questions instead of reacting negatively or creating conflict.

Example: “I’m sorry you feel that way…can you explain further?”

Be genuinely curious and listen at 360 degrees.

Example: Listen to the answer and continue to probe with genuine curiosity.

Validate other’s concerns and show empathy.

Example: “Thank you for sharing this with me…I have empathy for what you are going through. I am here to help.”

Help people overcome unnecessary fear. Fear is a very big factor and extremely hard to dismiss from our conscious and unconscious mind.

Example: “What’s possible that may help you overcome the fear of…? Let’s discuss the possibilities of a resolution and maybe it’ll help lessen the fear as we go along in the conversation…”

Be more resilient:

We can rely on our friends and family to help; we don’t have to handle things alone.
Sleeping on an issue helps us make better decisions; we’ll see things more clearly if we patiently take the time to think.
Being mindful in the moment helps us not to judge or make assumptions.
Impulse control is a great thing to work on for most people…thinking before replying (or reacting) is hard for folks who are quick to respond.

Thank you for reading my article about Emotional Intelligence. Like I wrote earlier, the journey is constant and will never end!

Lorraine Twombly