Changing Those Problem People (part I)

Written by: Ralph Twombly

Published: May 2010

Did you ever meet up with someone years after he (or she) left or lost a job you both had together and find out that person was seemingly different?  The "attitude" that cost his position seems to have changed, more energy seemed to be present, and the negative or grouchy person who made one a little crazy has disappeared.  In the place of all that bad stuff is this well-adjusted, happy, and focused person.  Hard to figure but so is the myriad of people we meet every day.  The good news is that we realize that people are capable of making the kinds of changes to their lives to be happy, satisfied and productive.  The bad news is that they could have accomplished this sooner rather than at the time that the forced change happened.

It seems we are all students of the human condition and we spend our time exploring motivation, studying things like Myers-Briggs and Neuro-Linguistics for any conceivable answer to the human mystery.  And still they seem so darned complicated. What seems to be obvious bad behavior, negative or condescending approaches to others seem to be something the badly behaved aren't even aware of.  This disconnect is startling for most leaders.  They scratch their heads and wonder why this bright capable person acts so badly.  We also know that more times than not, a person may leave their place of employment (voluntarily or involuntarily) because of these behaviors.  Yet, these folks bring a ready skill base, they are willing to work each day and have enough personal motivation to want to be successful.  In a previous article we discuss "uncivil behavior” and the staggering statistic that 95 percent of those in the workplace say they put up with (workplace incivility) on a routine basis, and one in five reports they suffer through it at least once a week. For more on this follow this link: Personal Appreciation and An Environment of Hope and Involvement

What can you do? 
So this time around I decided to write about something that organizations seem to be requesting more and more, How do I change those dissatisfied people?  We took a quick look at this in the fall of 2009, but more from an organizational point of view.  This time I want to look at it from a personal angle.  In other words, what can you do?  So for the next three newsletters I will tackle an aspect of creating change in individuals from our work and experience: 

1. Creating Awareness of the Disruptive Employee Behavior - this month (May 2010)
2. Building a collaborative plan to change personal behavior (June 2010)
3. Image building around the new personal behavior (July 2010)

Creating Awareness of the Disruptive Employee Behavior

My hope would be that you will get some answers to all the questions you seem to bring to us but even more I hope it makes you curious and hopeful that you can help others with these behavioral disadvantages before they fail or fall hard and have to reconstruct their lives by themselves.

Create personal tension for change...
Lately it seems that every time I turn around someone is asking what they can do to change a person from this to that?  I hear things like, "This is a really good person but the behavior is so hard for those around them" and they (the leaders) feel compelled to eliminate the source of pain.  No matter how skilled a person is, there comes a day when being able to graze with the rest of the herd is critical for their success.  For some, grazing is not easy.  Some of the things I have seen are as simple as the powerful pain of being a strong introvert or the belief that your work is only the sum total of what you produce or fear that if people see more than the product of your skill they may take advantage of you. Behavior can become brisk, negative and even violent.

They need to "own' their current behavior...
Start at the beginning.  In order for anyone to make a change to their behavior they need to "own" their current behavior.  Many times I ask the question to a curious manager seeking a change in one of their subordinate's behavior, if they have made the subordinate aware of the impact of their bad behavior.  Most times I hear the answer "yes" but when probed a bit I find that it was done quickly or in a veiled comment in the performance review or even over a beer as everyone went out together on a Friday after work.  We are not good at this one.  No one likes to give bad news and bad behavioral news seems doubly hard.  Before you give up and decide that the person cannot possibly change, you need to be good at the process of giving clear behavior messages.  Try this:

1. Observe behavior personally and then write down the behavior on paper. (what exactly is the behavior):  
• Describe their behavior and its impact on you.
• Attack the behavior and not the person.
• Other people's feedback regarding the badly behaved is fine but as a leader your observations are critical.  Never tell the badly behaved that you are speaking on behalf of a bigger audience. 
• Keeping this personal between you and them holds the best chance for change.  Once a person feels they are "losing face" with others, a new dynamic starts to kick in.
2. Link the behavior to their overall success on the job. (Why should it matter?)
3. Have someone impartial look at the description and give you feedback like they were the badly behaved person. (Role play a bit.)  We recommend this one because a good impartial person can help you recognize if you are attacking the person or the behavior.
4. Deliver the message personally and directly without candy coating.  This is important stuff so they understand that it is critical to their success.
5. When defenses come up.  Reflectively listen (repeat back or paraphrase).
6. Give time for the person to walk away, regroup, rethink but let them know that you have put lots of thought into the behavior described, its impact on this person and change is not optional.
7. Set up a time to meet again in the next day or so to discuss after the person has had a chance to think.

Give this a try on someone who is giving you disappointing behavior.  Remember, these are tough discussions but you may be saving this person from a behavior that will eventually cost them their job or so much pain that they have to leave for other destinations. 

To continue, I will be back in June to talk to you about building a collaborative plan to change personal behavior.  Between now and then, try the above out on your badly behaved and send us a line to tell us how it went.  I will contact each of you to help in any way. 

Hope the remainder of May and all of June is hot and sunny so you can enjoy the great New England summer.

Best to all,